Spilling my heart out.

Been a while.

It's been a real while since the last time I write.

So forgive me if this is going to be boring, 'cause I assure you this writing will be quite long.

Just want to spill a little piece of my mind and heart to maybe ease myself.

Or maybe help someone, if this page even opened by anyone.

Or maybe, just maybe, it will even help myself.

So, here goes. a little confession. Though I might not seem like it, especially to those who are close to me, I am actually the most insecure person I know.

But not in a way most people feel. I genuinely and honestly don't care about what people think or say about me.

I really could care less about people's judgment, especially those who are not close to me.

And I believe those who I keep close to me, love me for the way I am. And I am highly confident about it, though may seem to be in contradiction with my previous statement.

Because eventually, what really matters to me is my own judgment.

No one, not in my almost 29 years of life, has ever set a higher standard than the one I set to myself.

I AM THE HARSHEST JUDGE OF MY SELF.

I don't like my general physical appearance.

My face is not attractive enough.
My body shape is not ideal.

Characteristically, I am not cute nor adorable,

or even slightly unique to stand out in a crowd.

I am not kind enough,
though I firmly believe in spreading kindness,
I know there's hatred inside.

I can't understand how someone could ever like me or even love me, for I myself don't feel so.

But I am also constantly reminded about the wonderful support system I have:

BESTFRIENDS,
Who accepts me for who I am.
Who understands my cold treatment and harsh words are my forms of affection.
Who sticks with me despite it all.

A LOVER,
Who loves me deeply with all his might.
Who adores me like I'm the most beautiful being in the universe.
Who believes in all my potentials even when I don't see it.
Who thinks of me as the sun of his sky.

And I do believe in every good thing they said.

I do believe in every feeling they have for me.

I really do believe that they really believe in whatever they think of me.

And I will always be eternally grateful for each of them.

But the problem never was how I feel about what people might say or think about me.

The problem was my own thinking.

I DON'T THINK I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

And it has always been a conflict in my head because, on the other hand, I am an overconfident woman.
There are things about me I'm highly proud of, things I will never let go.

And nothing people can say or do will make me change my mind.

No labels, names, assumptions or judgments from people can make me question myself.

Only I, myself, is able to do that.

I know most people will think the other way around: be happy and content with yourself, and nothing people say will make you feel bad about yourself.

Well, people can't do that to me, despite me not liking myself enough.

I sometimes think I know I am good enough for some, but still not good enough for me.

It has always been a daily struggle for me, to really accept myself.

It's a daily effort to try to see myself as my loved ones see me.

It's a hard and long battle to make me love myself.

Because I know that in the end, the view that matters the most is our own view.

The feeling that matters the most is our feelings.

The thought that impacts us the most is our own.

And happiness comes from within ourselves, not from anybody else.

So I've decided to try harder to accept myself for who I am.

To believe in the potentials I know I have.

To love myself like I have never loved anyone before.

I know it will not be easy, and only God knows how long it will take.
But I will never give up.
I would rather die trying to love being me than forever resent being born this way.

And I will hold my bestfriends tighter, my lover closer,
and remind myself that I am so loved by them.
One day, I will prove to myself that I am worthy of their love.
One day, I will prove to myself that I am worthy of self-praise.
One day, I will love myself fully without an ounce of doubt.

And I hope one day, whoever out there reading this and feels insecure about themselves, will also be able to accept ourselves for who we are.

Karena Kekekalan Hanya Milik Detik Ini

Semakin hari, semakin banyak yang saya alami, semakin banyak yang saya pelajari, saya mulai memahami betapa di dunia ini tiada yang pasti. Mungkin beberapa penganut agama atau kepercayaan apapun yang kuat akan membantahnya, dan mengatakan bahwa beberapa hal telah dengan pasti tertulis oleh Tuhan dalam suratan hidup manusia, dan pasti terjadi. Disini saya tidak akan menyalahkan pendapat orang lain dan membenarkan pendapat saya, saya hanya ingin mengatakan, tidak demikian yang saya percayai...

Hari demi hari, saya sedikit demi sedikit belajar untuk semakin menghargai waktu. Saya belajar untuk menjalani hidup saya sebaik mungkin, seakan tidak ada esok hari. Bukan berarti saya lalu boleh sesuka hati melakukan yang saya mau tanpa memperdulikan orang - orang di sekitar saya terutama orang - orang yang saya sayangi, tapi justru saya harus belajar lebih menghargai mereka, menyayangi mereka segenap hati, menjaga mereka, dan selalu berusaha membagi kasih sayang saya agar mereka tahu betapa mereka sangat disayangi. Karena belum tentu ada esok hari, yang akan mempersilahkan saya melakukan apa yang belum sempat atau belum mau saya lakukan hari ini.

Tak ada jaminan akan esok hari tiba untuk saya, atau orang - orang yang saya sayangi. Tak ada jaminan pula rasa sayang saya untuk mereka ini masih bersisa esok nanti. Jadi sebelum waktu mengkhianati, sebelum rasa hilang tak berbekas di hati, saya ingin mencurahkan segalanya saat ini, detik ini. Detik yang kusebut kekal ini. Ini mungkin keegoisan terbesar saya..

Begitu banyak hal yang sangat indah yang terjadi setiap harinya di dalam hidup saya. Kecil, besar, bukan sesuatu yang penting. Bila itu indah, ya tetap indah. Memang, terkadang saking indahnya, saya seakan tidak mau melepaskan hal tersebut.. saya ingin terus mengalaminya, menjalaninya, hanyut di dalamnya. Lalu saya teringat, hanyut dalam kenangan? Berarti saya tak punya pegangan? Bagaimana kalau nanti saya lelah terapung-apung dalam kenangan yang telah lalu, kemana saya harus menyelamatkan diri? Saya pun masih sering menyadarkan diri, berteriak dalam kepala yang semrawut ini, "Hey, jangan larut pada apa yang pasti lalu! Bahkan yang saat ini merupakan yang terindah, belum tentu akan selamanya menjadi yang paling. Akan ada satu titik dimana mau tak mau predikat itu harus kau lepas! Yah, kecuali kau mati di detik berikutnya.."

Ya, yang saat ini adalah yang 'ter-' belum tentu akan menjadi yang 'ter-' lagi di hari berikutnya, jam berikutnya, bahkan mungkin detik berikutnya. Kenangan, memang abadi, disaat ia sedang terjadi, di detik yang kusebut kekal ini. Tapi... detik berikutnya akan tiba. Menit pun berlalu. Dan kenangan akan menjadi kenangan.

Dari berbagai hal yang saya ocehkan sesuka hati diatas, saya hanya berusaha mengambil kesimpulan, lakukan apa yang kamu mau dan bisa lakukan hari ini, saat ini, jangan sampai menyesal di keesokan hari yang bahkan belum tentu datang. Dan tiap kenangan, tiap kejadian, baik indah maupun buruknya, nikmatilah. Karena tanpa ada yang buruk itu, kita tak akan tahu rasanya indah. Dan tanpa ada yang indah, kita tak akan tahu ada cahaya di setiap ujung lorong. Hargai tiap moment, karena mereka hanya kekal ketika terjadinya. Hargai yang telah menjadi kenangan, karena mereka telah menuntun kita untuk berada di tempat kita sekarang...

Kisah Penutup Tahun

Menjelang akhir tahun, tidak terasa.. hmm, sebenarnya sih tidak juga. Beberapa bulan belakangan semua memang terasa berjalan begitu cepat, namun ada juga beberapa bagian yang terasa berjalan amat lambat, yang membuat saya tersiksa sepanjang harinya, ingin hari-hari itu cepat berlalu. Hari-hari yang dulu saya pandang sulit, seperti tak ada akhirnya. Tapi, semua memiliki akhir.. Sama seperti tahun ini, 2012, yang akan berakhir besok.

Bisa dibilang, selama 22 tahun saya hidup di dunia ini, tahun ini merupakan tahun yang amat penuh pembelajaran dan pengalaman, serta merupakan salah satu tahun tersulit namun juga terindah yang pernah saya lalui.

Pada pertengahan tahun, dimulai proses pembelajaran itu. Muncul satu sosok yang begitu saya kagumi, sosok yang lebih berbeda dibanding siapapun yang pernah saya kenal. Yang memancing saya untuk belajar lagi, dan terus belajar.. Tanpa perlu ia mendoktrin saya, ia memancing keluar semua isi otak ini yang dulu saya sembunyikan rapat-rapat. Dia juga mengajari saya banyak hal, hal-hal yang dahulu sulit untuk saya lakukan, bahkan untuk saya pikirkan..

Dipertengahan tahun juga, saya ditinggal salah satu sahabat terbaik saya ke Ibukota untuk mencari nafkah, karena ia telah menyelesaikan pendidikannya di kampus kami, dan telah memasuki jenjang berikutnya: menjadi pekerja. Sangat sulit ditinggal olehnya, karena dia merupakan salah satu orang yang selalu bisa mendengarkan celoteh saya, apapun itu. Yang selalu siap sedia menemani saya, yang selalu mampu menghibur saya. Salah satu orang yang paling saya percayai.. Yah meskipun Bandung-Jakarta itu dekat, tapi pada awalnya sulit menerima kenyataan bahwa saya tidak bisa menemui dia setiap hari lagi.

Dan kemudian, datanglah masa-masa tersulit. Masa yang begitu menyiksa, bukan hanya saya, namun juga orang disekitar saya.. Terutama mantan kekasih saya, yang sampai beberapa bulan yang lalu masih menjadi kekasih saya. Pria yang ada disisi saya setiap saat, yang terkena dampak paling besar atas perubahan yang terjadi pada saya dalam waktu amat singkat.

Dimulai dari munculnya sosok yang saya sebut pertama kali tadi, sosok yang saya kagumi dan membuat saya haus untuk terus belajar. Sosok yang akhirnya membuat saya jatuh hati...disaat saya masih berkomitmen dengan kekasih saya saat itu. Ironis. Karena saya yang dulu adalah saya yang sangat skeptis dan benci menduakan, apalagi menduakan hati. Hingga akhirnya, saat itu, saya membenci diri saya sendiri.. Sampai saya sadar, saya tidak mendua hati. Ternyata entah sejak kapan, saya tidak lagi merasakan cinta seperti yang dulu saya rasakan terhadap kekasih saya saat itu.

Hingga pada akhirnya kami mengalami 2 bulan tersulit dalam masa kami berpacaran selama 5,5 tahun. Betapa banyak perubahan saya yang begitu cepat yang membuat kekasih saya saat itu kaget, betapa banyak pemikiran saya yang dahulu saya coba sembunyikan dan akhirnya ia tahu, dan betapa ia berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk merebut hati saya kembali.. Namun ternyata, memang sudah disitu akhirnya. Akhir dari hubungan kami, akhir dari cerita cinta yang telah lama kami tulis bersama. Hati ini tidak bisa dibohongi. Dan pada akhirnya, saya terlalu lelah untuk membohongi hati saya sendiri..

Sulit, melihat orang yang begitu mencintai saya dengan segenap hatinya harus terluka karena saya. Tapi akan lebih sulit untuk saya, jika saya terus memaksa dan tidak jujur akan perasaan saya. Saya yakin, saat itu hingga saat ini, bahwa yang terbaik untuk dia, untuk saya, untuk kami, adalah berpisah.

Lalu dimulailah hidup saya yang baru...yang benar-benar berbeda dari 6 tahun belakangan.

Sosok itu, selalu ada. Membimbing, menemani, mengajarkan. Ia mengajarkan saya betapa pentingnya menghargai diri sendiri, menghargai orang lain. Ia membuat saya ingin membuka diri saya seutuhnya, diri yang dulu saya anggap hina, namun ternyata begitu luar biasa.

Saya menjadi lebih berani menjadi diri saya apa adanya, tanpa harus menyakiti orang sekitar. Saya lebih berani melangkah, melangkah untuk diri sendiri, karena saya tahu bahwa perjalanan hidup saya, hanya sayalah yang menjalankan. Sosok itu, sosok yang tidak menyadari betapa luar biasanya ia di mata saya..

Jujur, kini, saya merasa lebih ringan melangkah. Lebih lega bernafas. Lebih leluasa berpikir. Saya tidak pernah merasa senyaman ini terhadap diri saya sendiri. Tidak pernah begitu bersyukur terhadap diri saya, hidup saya, dan orang-orang di sekitar saya. Termasuk mereka di masa lalu saya.

Dan dia, sosok yang kini menjadi pendamping hidup saya saat ini (bukan pacar, tetapi pendamping), adalah sosok yang cukup besar andilnya dalam membantu saya menjadi saya yang sekarang. Sosok yang saat ini, detik ini, begitu saya cintai. Dan untuk tahun ini, kehadirannya di hidup saya adalah yang paling saya syukuri..

Dan untuk harapan tahun depan. Hmm, saya sudah mulai belajar untuk tidak menaruh harapan apapun, kecuali mungkin untuk diri saya sendiri.. Saya hanya berharap, saya tidak akan pernah berhenti belajar dan tidak pernah berhenti jujur pada diri sendiri. Untuk sisanya? Biarkan hari esok selalu menjadi misteri yang menyenangkan, yang membuat saya bangun tiap paginya dengan bersemangat untuk memecahkan misteri tersebut :)

Terima kasih, tahun penuh pembelajaran.

Dan terima kasih, Pria 2012..saya cinta kamu saat ini.

Have a great holiday, all, and a wonderful New Year! :)

Pelukis Langit

Izinkan aku melukiskan semburat awan pada biru langit pagi
biar mereka cerah mewarnai,
mengiringi langkahmu yang tak pasti.
Biarkanku memerahkan langit senja
hingga mereka dapat menghangatkan,
seiring datangnya angin malam..
Pintalah aku menerangi langit malam dengan bintang
supaya mereka dapat menuntunmu.
Memang langit kan selalu menyertai,
diam sendiri.
Tapi tak akan kubiarkan langit kosong,
sendiri menyelimuti bumi.
Aku memang tidaklah seindah mentari maupun bumi,
namun biarkanku menjadi pelukis langit
yang senantiasa dapat menemani dan mengindahkannya. . .


27 September 2012

Kisah Gadis Kecil Dan Burung Bersayap Patah

Makhluk kecil itu menatap langit penuh harap
menunggu waktu kapan ia dapat mencapainya.
Burung kecil dengan sayap yang patah,
namun dengan semangat yang tak pernah melemah.
" Akan datang angin yang membawaku terbang.
Akan datang awan yang akan menuntunku pulang "

Gadis kecil itu menatap sang burung penuh takjub
menanti kapan ia akan terbang melayang.
" Burung kecil yang lemah, dengan sayap yang patah "
Sebelum gadis itu melihatnya, sebelum gadis itu menyadarinya.
Sayap kecilnya lah yang patah,
Tubuh kecilnya lah yang tak mampu terbang.
Namun harapnya tak pernah pergi,
Angannya tak pernah lari.

Burung kecil dan gadis itu pun termenung menatap langit
menyandarkan punggung mereka di sejuknya rerumputan
" Biar langit menampung harapku, biar rerumputan menopang bebanku "
Dan mereka pun terbang, bersama angan,
Melayang. .

Super Pippo's Goodbye Letter to Milan

The living legend, Super Pippo, is now leaving Milan.. And here is his goodbye letter to everyone in Milan and loves Milan. GRAZIE DI TUTTO, PIPPO !

MILAN – Everything that you’re about to read is secondary to this. The first and foremost thing that I want you all to know is I played and won for "us". Playing and winning without sharing the emotion is nothing, but you and me, us, we did it all together. We hoped, suffered, celebrated and rejoiced. We lifted cups and won titles together in our hearts. We have always been on the same wavelength. And no one can ever take that away from us.

Dear Milan fans, when I got to the club you didn’t know this. I was in a hotel room and couldn’t leave so as not to compromise the negotiations between Juventus and Milan. The first weeks, the first months, you studied me and we watched each other.

Then we fell in love. That evening against Torino. You were angry, things weren’t going well on the field and you were in silence. I started warming up and the roar you gave me made us win the match, pushing us into the Champions League and towards that final in Manchester. These memories as well as all those who consoled me in the difficult months of 2004 and 2005 and the shivers down the spine that we felt on 9 August 2006, my birthday against Stella Rossa will always be in the bedside drawer of my heart.

Athens. Football given to us for one reason: me and you, us, we wanted is so strongly, so intensely that it had to be given. Of course the reality went beyond our wildest dreams. 2 goals, against Liverpool, 2 years after Istanbul, the seventh Champions League. Destiny gave us more than we had dared hope.

Today I would like to thank with affection and emotion President Berlusconi and Adriano Galliani: their electricity and their ability to transmit emotion for me made me stronger and pushed me beyond any and all limits. But I also want to give a thought to those who, from the youth sector to all the wonderful clubs that I’ve played for, helped me to become the man and the player that I am today.

Thank you Milan, thank you football. Allow me to call you my own, the people of Via Turati, from Milanello to the offices to the phone operators to the warehouse workers, the physiotherapists, the doctors, the cooks, from the stadium to the changing room. All the people who saw me on Sunday with the short sleeves and shook with the hope that I would score. Ciao Carlo Ancelotti, I won a lot with you. Ciao to my wonderful fans who followed me the world over with affection and passion. Ciao to my team mates from today and yesterday.

Last of all allow me to thank my family, my mother Marina, my father Giancarlo, Simone and Tommaso. I never would have got here without you. You’re my strength. My dear Milan, I’m leaving you only because that the way life goes. The moment has come and you know it as well.

Ciao and thanks to everyone,

Pippo Inzaghi.

Justice for The 96 : The Hillsborough Tragedy

In a time where life threatening injuries and even death seem to be prominent in the world of football, many fans, especially those connected to Liverpool, are spending a day in mourning.

Twenty three years ago, the travelling Kop paid a visit to Sheffield Wednesday’s ground for an FA Cup Semi-Final against Nottingham Forest. 96 of those Liverpool fans never returned. It seemed fitting that only yesterday, did the all Merseyside FA Cup Semi-Final occur- a game in which both sides of the city united to remember those 96.

Since then, amidst the rollercoaster the Club has faced on the pitch, there has been an entirely different fight- one for justice. Amidst the Hillsborough disaster, lies and deceit have emerged. A particular newspaper blaming the Liverpudlians, the truth kept hidden from heartbroken families… but the Club and it’s supporters have stood firm. Hand in hand, they never rest. And finally, their endurance is beginning to pay off. An e-petition resulted in a televised debate regarding the release of the Hillsborough documents. But it doesn’t stop there- fans have taken many more measures to raise money for the official Hillsborough Justice Campaign. Out of all this one thing is for certain- this is a campaign that will stop at nothing to get the justice those 96 fans deserve.

As for us Liverpool fans, whether we knew any of the victims or not, we have all been personally affected. Our Club is more than just that- we are a family. We are all parts to a human body. And when one part of that body aches, the entire body aches. And as proud Reds, we will always keep those 96 fans in our heart.
In the saddest of times is our faith in humanity restored. Liverpool fan or not, today is a day of unity, of hope and of remembrance.

Whilst we look to the future and continue the fight for justice, let us keep the 96 fans in our hearts. They will never be gone, not as long as there are people remembering them. They lie in our thoughts forever as they will never walk alone.

(Source: noprincejustfootball.tumblr.com)

Crossroad Demons : Do you believe in the Devil?

First, I want to explain about the whole Crossroad Demon's deal.
It is well known that if you go to a crossroad, and summoning a demon there, one demon will appear and offering you to make a deal. He will grant one of your wishes in exchange for your soul, which will be drag to Hell by his hellhound after a few years (some say after 10 years).

Becoming a 'Supernatural TV Series' fan has opened my mind wider. After re-running for the third time, I realized in Season 2 episode 8, "Crossroad Blues", they mentioned Robert Johnson (click for detail), the best blues man ever lived that supposedly made a deal with the Demon to become one.
 
So, I googled him.
And voila, I found this:

According to legend, as a young man living on a plantation in rural Mississippi, Robert Johnson was branded with a burning desire to become a great blues musician. He was "instructed" to take his guitar to a crossroad near Dockery Plantation at midnight. There he was met by a large black man (the Devil) who took the guitar and tuned it. The "Devil" played a few songs and then returned the guitar to Johnson, giving him mastery of the instrument. This was in effect, a deal with the Devil mirroring the legend of Faust. In exchange for his soul, Robert Johnson was able to create the blues for which he became famous.

So I thought, 'Huh, what a rumor'. But then again, I found other interesting facts.

1. " Around 1929 (Johnson was 18), the noted blues musician Son House moved to Robinsonville where his musical partner lived. Late in life, House remembered Johnson as a 'little boy' who was a competent harmonica player but an embarrassingly bad guitarist.
2. Johnson left Robinsonville for the area around Martinsville, close to his birthplace Hazlehurst. Here he perfected the guitar style of Son House and learned other styles from Isaiah "Ike" Zimmerman. Ike Zimmerman was rumoured to have learned supernaturally to play guitar by visiting graveyards at midnight.
When Johnson next appeared in Robinsonville, he had seemed to have acquired a miraculous guitar technique.

 So it kept me thinking, how in the world, a recently bad guitar player turned to an amazing one in a short time? I mean, no matter how hard you learn to play guitar, without natural talent, it needs years to turn you to a great guitar player, right?

Again, i dug and dug. Apparently, I missed one important part about Johnson's death. He died at the age 27.

I remembered clearly how legends like Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones (Rolling Stones), etc. all died at the age of 27. And how most of them became legends after they died. What's the mystery of age 27?

And what bugs me most is how most of their deaths are such mysteries. Johnson died of strychnine poisoning, after 3 days suffering. But in his biography, Tom Graves states that strychnine has such a distinctive odor and taste that it cannot be disguised, even in strong liquor. He also claims that a significant amount of strychnine would have to be consumed in one sitting to be fatal, and that death from the poison would occur within hours, not days. So? His death is still a mystery.

And for all the other legends, there are mysteries behind their death as well. Like Cobain, who in the world 100% sure he killed himself? Lots and lots of presumption of how he was killed by Courtney Love or anyone else.


And above it all, all those legends who died ad the age 27 has been well-known as the members of 27 Club. Not made by them, but made for them, who died at a very young age.
So I thought, could this whole Demon's deal thing be real? I mean, they all had amazing talents, but died on their way of becoming a legend. And most of them became legends after they died..

Oh well, if we believe in God and Angels, shouldn't we believe in the Devil too?

Don't mean to brainwashing anybody here, just trying to share some interesting almost-facts and share what's on my mind. Hopefully entertaining !