Spilling my heart out.

Been a while.

It's been a real while since the last time I write.

So forgive me if this is going to be boring, 'cause I assure you this writing will be quite long.

Just want to spill a little piece of my mind and heart to maybe ease myself.

Or maybe help someone, if this page even opened by anyone.

Or maybe, just maybe, it will even help myself.

So, here goes. a little confession. Though I might not seem like it, especially to those who are close to me, I am actually the most insecure person I know.

But not in a way most people feel. I genuinely and honestly don't care about what people think or say about me.

I really could care less about people's judgment, especially those who are not close to me.

And I believe those who I keep close to me, love me for the way I am. And I am highly confident about it, though may seem to be in contradiction with my previous statement.

Because eventually, what really matters to me is my own judgment.

No one, not in my almost 29 years of life, has ever set a higher standard than the one I set to myself.

I AM THE HARSHEST JUDGE OF MY SELF.

I don't like my general physical appearance.

My face is not attractive enough.
My body shape is not ideal.

Characteristically, I am not cute nor adorable,

or even slightly unique to stand out in a crowd.

I am not kind enough,
though I firmly believe in spreading kindness,
I know there's hatred inside.

I can't understand how someone could ever like me or even love me, for I myself don't feel so.

But I am also constantly reminded about the wonderful support system I have:

BESTFRIENDS,
Who accepts me for who I am.
Who understands my cold treatment and harsh words are my forms of affection.
Who sticks with me despite it all.

A LOVER,
Who loves me deeply with all his might.
Who adores me like I'm the most beautiful being in the universe.
Who believes in all my potentials even when I don't see it.
Who thinks of me as the sun of his sky.

And I do believe in every good thing they said.

I do believe in every feeling they have for me.

I really do believe that they really believe in whatever they think of me.

And I will always be eternally grateful for each of them.

But the problem never was how I feel about what people might say or think about me.

The problem was my own thinking.

I DON'T THINK I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

And it has always been a conflict in my head because, on the other hand, I am an overconfident woman.
There are things about me I'm highly proud of, things I will never let go.

And nothing people can say or do will make me change my mind.

No labels, names, assumptions or judgments from people can make me question myself.

Only I, myself, is able to do that.

I know most people will think the other way around: be happy and content with yourself, and nothing people say will make you feel bad about yourself.

Well, people can't do that to me, despite me not liking myself enough.

I sometimes think I know I am good enough for some, but still not good enough for me.

It has always been a daily struggle for me, to really accept myself.

It's a daily effort to try to see myself as my loved ones see me.

It's a hard and long battle to make me love myself.

Because I know that in the end, the view that matters the most is our own view.

The feeling that matters the most is our feelings.

The thought that impacts us the most is our own.

And happiness comes from within ourselves, not from anybody else.

So I've decided to try harder to accept myself for who I am.

To believe in the potentials I know I have.

To love myself like I have never loved anyone before.

I know it will not be easy, and only God knows how long it will take.
But I will never give up.
I would rather die trying to love being me than forever resent being born this way.

And I will hold my bestfriends tighter, my lover closer,
and remind myself that I am so loved by them.
One day, I will prove to myself that I am worthy of their love.
One day, I will prove to myself that I am worthy of self-praise.
One day, I will love myself fully without an ounce of doubt.

And I hope one day, whoever out there reading this and feels insecure about themselves, will also be able to accept ourselves for who we are.